The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I saw this movie last night as a matter of fact. All in all an interesting take on the whole government and corporations are poisoning the youth and the creative world. However, that's not my reason for bringing it up.



There was a scene where we learn how Robert or Agent Fred first came into his life as a junkie and undercover cop. He had what most desire. A family, a home, a well paying job...and he felt dead. Not because he didn't enjoy any of that, but because he knew it would never change. He would rather live a life where he was surrounded by junkies, in fear for his health and his life (to say nothing of his job and his freedom) if that meant the 'excitement' of never knowing what would happen next.



Maybe excitement is too strong a word for surely nothing very exciting happened in his drug home with his two junkie roommates or his junkie girlfriend and psuedo friends...but there was constant difference, because if you're so drugged out that you suspect that your house is bugged and are ready to sell it and move before thinking a friend stopped by and smoked a joint now 'still warm' in the ashtray, well then every little event can be life changing.



That thought is a worm wriggling it's way into my brain. I've been bothered by something for months but couldn't figure out how to describe it. Until last night. There is a feeling that all my choices are made enough that the rest of my choices are more likely to be about what to eat for dinner or what movie to watch as opposed to what city to live in or how I'm going to scrape enough cash together TO eat. Perhaps that's the meaning of a midlife crisis. That all your decisions are made and the rest is just waiting to die.



Am I dead because I no longer struggle with life?